Its amazing how when something rattles your world, like loss of a loved one and grief, that other facets are knocked around too. Facets that I thought were dealt with, looked at, adjusted for, understood, and accepted. In the last few months, I have actually come to terms with my brothers passing. It doesnt make the sadness easier. It doesnt make the hole that his absence makes filled. It doesnt make the tears stop streaming. I dont think that I will ever fully understand all the reasons around it, but I do have faith and hope that there was purpose in it. That there is someone, namely a Father in Heaven, who sees and understands and has a mindful eye on the overall specifics of our lives, of Bens life. For whatever reason that Ben left when he did, there is reason, beyond what my mind can fully understand and that brings me peace.
It was one day when I was chatting with a friend, vocalizing this understanding that I had gained, when I realized that I was still feeling grief. It wasnt for Ben, but a few days later I realized that it was for something else. Something much more inward and personal. At the age of 31, it is time to grieve and mourn for a life that never was and never will be. To lay to rest the subconscious dreams of my 16 year old self. And to find a way to celebrate the life that I have had, and find a way to truly live the life I am, and have yet to live.
The dreams at large will and can still be there. The hope for the finding of a life partner. The hope to share all that I have with another and with children. But that is not the only thing that this new dream can be made up of. This new dream needs to have aspects that are me. Aspects that focus on growing and progressing me. Of accomplishing the true goal of this life in a fashion that I want to be remembered for.
Plain and simple, my 16 year old self saw the future me as a 'soccer mom.' And not just any old soccer mom, but as a young, perfect mom. One that had fresh cookies waiting when kids got home, with children that would share delightful stories exemplifying their smarts and wits, but of course, this was after they had gone to school having had a gorgeous and tasty breakfast with the best packed lunches. Now mind you, the dinner would be on the table the moment my amazingly, perfect husband came home from work to our stunningly beautiful home I decorated. And dont forget all the perfect relationships I had with each and everyone of the many children. Mind you, I was never set on a number, nor the wedding itself. I didnt care about the single days, just the overall perfectness that would be my life.
What my 16 year old self (and my 18, and my 20, and 25 year old selves) never really internalized was that 1) life just simply isnt perfect, 2) I am so not perfect and far from ever becoming, 3) all those Young Womens lessons about 'doing all that you can and everything you pray for will come true' were all just the 1% exception to real life, and 4) there really is so much more to life than what I had dreamed of or could even imagine.
Ok, I dont necessarily think of myself as being that naive for the last 16 years. Maybe just for the first few of them! Ha, I seriously thought that I would turn around and Mr Right would magically appear, that I would immediately know who he was, how to have a healthy, 'perfect' courtship and marriage, and kids would just follow. When I was 12 years old, I was politely informed that in fact I did have to go to college as 'all my children will go to college,' but I just figured that that was plausible for the magic to happen and my husband to appear.
In the 14 years since I walked across that stage to receive my high school diploma, I have not seen a single aspect of that 16 year old dream become reality. Im not married. I dont have children. Nor do I cook dinner or pack lunches! But there are so many other things that have happened that Im so blessed by/for. I graduated from college with a Bachelors. I moved to a brand new city alone, and succeeded. I started more than a job, but a career. I met amazing people that not only are acquaintances, but dear friends, even close enough to be sisters. I have witnessed relationships that I hope to never have, and found others that I want to emulate. I have made it to 27 countries and understood the grandeur of my Heavenly Father through the faces Ive seen across the world. I have hobbies that could only have come with the realization that I am so much more than the small box I put myself in. I have become an Aunt that snuggles with little ones, sits and talks with the older ones, celebrates the moments, and pray for the ones Im not with. I have been converted to Christ, and have truly gained the desire to emulate Him in my life. I have realized the flaws of my subconscious dream. I have realized that I am so much more than only dreaming to be a wive and a mother. I have realized that I dream to be a disciple of Christ in all that I do and what ever role/title I find myself in, and to strive to grow and be the person that my Heavenly Father knows that I can be, in all my imperfect ways. These last 14 years are a blessing. These last 14 years have taught me more than I give them credit for. These last 14 years created many memories. These last 14 years are fabulous stepping stone for the many more years to come.
I do not share these very personal thoughts for anything more than to simply remind myself daily that I can not continue to hid in the dreams of such long ago yesteryears. But that its time to create new dreams. And to work towards new hopes.
Grief does not end when the words 'dry' on the page. Grief does not end because my thoughts are posted. Grief does not end because a new day has dawned. It will take some time to fully mourn the loss of what never was but hoped for for so long. And in the words of a classic country song
And try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been