Can We 'Nuggle?

For the most part, I dont cry any more.  Life is good.  The sun is shining.  There are flowers all around. Im working on seeing life through a new lens.  A lens that reminds me that life is about living each day, in the moment ....   But there are some random down pours that still happen.  Like the time I went to lunch with a dude friend, and ended up bawling my eyes out when I asked about his dad, who has been sick.  When his response was that his family is closer then ever, I just lost it.  Or the time that I was talking to a friend about the thing Friend-Break-Ups, only to have experienced such pain with someone so dear, that has made me so much more cautious in life with all people.  Or that I bawl my eyes out because I miss my brothers even more than I would like to admit it.  Mostly because most of them are still here, earth-side, but feel so much further away.  

Collectively, We dont often talk about the fact that life is hard.  Is messy.  Is painful.  Is lonely.  Is quiet.  Its like we dont want to show anyone our weakness.  We dont want to show anyone our hurt. Like it will make us less of a person.  

Over the last few months, I have noticed that its with those that have seen my weakness, that have listened to my heart aches.  That have shared their hard times that I truly feel human connection with.  And it is in those moments, that people become my hero.  

It takes the hard times, to have the good ones mean that much more.  To have the times that a friend reaches out, to feel that much more special.  To have the times that family is around to mean just that much more amazing.  And I mean.  Who doesnt want to 'nuggle?'

Doesnt need a title....

Seriously.  Buzzfeed is amazing.  And where do they come up with stuff?!


http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/reasons-kids-are-pretty-much-just-tiny-drunk-adults

Exception or Rule

I recently heard someone speak about their behavior stating that doing anything for family is the rule.  But then the event used as an example was an exception to life and not a normal event.  If that behavior is what you are so proud of, then why could you only give that one situation as an example of when you acted as such.

If you want to be known for the rule in life, than make that the norm, no matter the severity of the situation.  And especially when it references family, dont make filters to that rule based on which side of the family.

This is has been running through my head for months now.  It goes along with the idea that we should live day by day - recognizing that today might be the day that we are called home.  And are you ready for the Eulogy people will give about you.

I cant change other people.  I can only work on myself.  And as much as I want to punch this person in the face and make them see how selfish and unloving they have been, that is not going to get me the end result I want.  Instead, I can only be me.  I can only be the person I want others to remember.  Its hard to change habits.  It takes work.  But I need to think more about the Eulogy I want given about me, and how I need to act today for that.

We can't go back again

Its amazing how when something rattles your world, like loss of a loved one and grief, that other facets are knocked around too.  Facets that I thought were dealt with, looked at, adjusted for, understood, and accepted. In the last few months, I have actually come to terms with my brothers passing.  It doesnt make the sadness easier.  It doesnt make the hole that his absence makes filled.  It doesnt make the tears stop streaming.  I dont think that I will ever fully understand all the reasons around it, but I do have faith and hope that there was purpose in it.  That there is someone, namely a Father in Heaven, who sees and understands and has a mindful eye on the overall specifics of our lives, of Bens life.  For whatever reason that Ben left when he did, there is reason, beyond what my mind can fully understand and that brings me peace.

It was one day when I was chatting with a friend, vocalizing this understanding that I had gained, when I realized that I was still feeling grief.  It wasnt for Ben, but a few days later I realized that it was for something else.  Something much more inward and personal.  At the age of 31, it is time to grieve and mourn for a life that never was and never will be.  To lay to rest the subconscious dreams of my 16 year old self.  And to find a way to celebrate the life that I have had, and find a way to truly live the life I am, and have yet to live.

The dreams at large will and can still be there.  The hope for the finding of a life partner. The hope to share all that I have with another and with children.  But that is not the only thing that this new dream can be made up of.  This new dream needs to have aspects that are me.  Aspects that focus on growing and progressing me.  Of accomplishing the true goal of this life in a fashion that I want to be remembered for.

Plain and simple, my 16 year old self saw the future me as a 'soccer mom.' And not just any old soccer mom, but as a young, perfect mom.  One that had fresh cookies waiting when kids got home, with children that would share delightful stories exemplifying their smarts and wits, but of course, this was after they had gone to school having had a gorgeous and tasty breakfast with the best packed lunches. Now mind you, the dinner would be on the table the moment my amazingly, perfect husband came home from work to our stunningly beautiful home I decorated.  And dont forget all the perfect relationships I had with each and everyone of the many children.  Mind you, I was never set on a number, nor the wedding itself.  I didnt care about the single days, just the overall perfectness that would be my life.

What my 16 year old self (and my 18, and my 20, and 25 year old selves) never really internalized was that 1) life just simply isnt perfect, 2) I am so not perfect and far from ever becoming, 3) all those Young Womens lessons about 'doing all that you can and everything you pray for will come true' were all just the 1% exception to real life, and 4) there really is so much more to life than what I had dreamed of or could even imagine.  

Ok, I dont necessarily think of myself as being that naive for the last 16 years.  Maybe just for the first few of them!  Ha, I seriously thought that I would turn around and Mr Right would magically appear, that I would immediately know who he was, how to have a healthy, 'perfect' courtship and marriage, and kids would just follow.  When I was 12 years old, I was politely informed that in fact I did have to go to college as 'all my children will go to college,'  but I just figured that that was plausible for the magic to happen and my husband to appear.

In the 14 years since I walked across that stage to receive my high school diploma, I have not seen a single aspect of that 16 year old dream become reality.  Im not married.  I dont have children.  Nor  do I cook dinner or pack lunches!  But there are so many other things that have happened that Im so blessed by/for.  I graduated from college with a Bachelors.  I moved to a brand new city alone, and succeeded.  I started more than a job, but a career.  I met amazing people that not only are acquaintances, but dear friends, even close enough to be sisters.  I have witnessed relationships that I hope to never have, and found others that I want to emulate.  I have made it to 27 countries and understood the grandeur of my Heavenly Father through the faces Ive seen across the world. I have hobbies that could only have come with the realization that I am so much more than the small box I put myself in.  I have become an Aunt that snuggles with little ones, sits and talks with the older ones, celebrates the moments, and pray for the ones Im not with.  I have been converted to Christ, and have truly gained the desire to emulate Him in my life.  I have realized the flaws of my subconscious dream.  I have realized that I am so much more than only dreaming to be a wive and a mother.  I have realized that I dream to be a disciple of Christ in all that I do and what ever role/title I find myself in, and to strive to grow and be the person that my Heavenly Father knows that I can be, in all my imperfect ways.   These last 14 years are a blessing.  These last 14 years have taught me more than I give them credit for.  These last 14 years created many memories.  These last 14 years are fabulous stepping stone for the many more years to come.

I do not share these very personal thoughts for anything more than to simply remind myself daily that I can not continue to hid in the dreams of such long ago yesteryears.  But that its time to create new dreams.  And to work towards new hopes.

Grief does not end when the words 'dry' on the page.  Grief does not end because my thoughts are posted.  Grief does not end because a new day has dawned.  It will take some time to fully mourn the loss of what never was but hoped for for so long.    And in the words of a classic country song

And try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been

Where to begin?

Its been 6 months since my last post, and Im not really sure where I should start.  Do I start with the biggest life altering event thus far in my life? Do I start with what came chronological?  Do I even post at all, because right now that just seems so daunting it?  Well,  Lets just start, and see what sort of stream of conscientiousness comes out.

I didnt see is as such, initially, but my sis-in-law made a comment in Feb about how 2013 was a crappy year.  I was sad for the next 10 months as they didnt have a lot of hope for being better.  Well.  Now I agree, and it only took me 2 more months.

In April, one day, and really in a mere handful of seconds, changed my life forever.  My baby brother was off on a motorcycle ride. My parents had asked him to join them for dinner on that Sunday evening, but the weather was nice and he got his bike working, so he wanted to go for a ride.  Sadly, he will never return home from that ride.

My parents received a call from the hospital,  that he had been in a serious accident.  While they drove to the hospital, the phones started go off around the country as we were informed of the situation.  The phones continued to buzz with calls and text messages as soon as they received any news.  But within a few hours of first hearing of the accident, we knew that without a serious act of God, Ben would no longer be with us.  It took hours of testing to really give the doctors all the proof they required.  With my parents choosing to have him become an organ donor, even more test than usual were required. Although it was determined that the accident caused him to become brain dead at the moment of impact, his day of death is not recorded until Wed, due to testing and lining up organ donors.

During the week, family starting arriving in Dallas.  Members of my parents congregation/ward cleaned the house, and provided food for the masses that were coming.  Many people stopped by their home to offer condolences. Friends of Ben came to feel of any last presence that his things might offer to them.

After deciding to drive with my older brother and his family, we arrived late Wed night.  Once we arrived, we were put on Memorial Service planning duties.  Collecting pictures, creating a program, printing, etc.  There were moments that I had to runaway.  I didnt want to be there.  I didnt want that to be my new reality.  I didnt want to deal with what was to come after it.  I kept waiting for Ben to walk in the back door and ask what everyone was doing there.  To wonder why siblings and cousins had invaded his house and his world.  Why all his precious metals were collected and taken to another home.  (He had a gun collected that he referred to has his precious metals!) Some how, I was the lucky one that had to sleep in his room.  It was hard to fall asleep in here.  It had been cleaned up, and looked much less like the room I had seen months earlier.  But I still was waiting for him to rip me from my slumber and ask what the hoopla was about.

The Memorial Service was perfect.  James did the Eulogy.  Ken did a religious talk.  My dad gave his thoughts.  Oh my poor Dad, loosing a second son now, along with a wife.  The chapel was full.  The overflow was full.  The gym had standing room only.  It was so heart warming to know that Ben touched many, many people in his short 24 years on this earth.

There is more to share.  But I just want to leave it at that for now, and this to remind ourselves that we never know when it is our time to return to our Father in Heaven.  Be the best that you know how to be.  Be the person you know to be.


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I was able to spend sometime with Hurricane Sandy clean up.  So many people were devastated by the effects of Sandy, and Im so grateful I was able to help make a few people/families loads lighter.  I spent most of my time cleaning basements, and tearing out flooring and walls.  Nothing glamorous, but necessities for the home owners.  I was able to help a divorced lady who lost her brother in 9/11.  I was able to help families that have spent generations on the area, having never before seen such rage by Mother Nature.  I was great to work along side ward members, and friends alike.  To even make new friends.

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Swing dancing is still a passion of mine.  I was able to make it to Lindy Focus in Asheville, NC between Christmas and New Years, and even went to Orlando for dancing in March.  I keep thinking that one day, Ill actually get good, but for now, I just like doing it.


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I love being back close enough to keep up with these growing busy bodies!  Love them, and little Luke, not pictured. I was able to have a  slumber party in the city with them.  Good times!


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This is the first time that I have lived somewhere for the second time.  I dont want to talk much about it, but I will say, things are not always best the second time around.  Especially in a place were daily living and life chores are just simply harder to accomplish.  I grateful for my job and the opportunities that it gives me, but pray that the next opportunities might be some where else. :/


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In Feb, I went to Austin to celebrate this little cutie turning 1!  She is so darling.  Loved being with her and her parents.  She has a smile that can just melt your heart, and loving personality.  They have taught her sign language, and its so cute to see how much she asks for her Dad.  She loves to be with him.  .. .  And so glad that they are moving to the east coast!  More visits in the future.

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And lastly, I wont be surprised if I dont have any readers by this point.  But if I do, Im glad there is someone!  :)