'I set fires to feel joy'

Please say you have seen the movie.  Pitch Perfect.  A-mazing.  So sad it took me to long to see it.

I just wanted to say that I feel uber loved this week from so many friends and family call, texting, emails, and checking in on me.  I lucked out this week, and besides spending more time in side than I normally like, I wasnt horribly affected by the storm.  The Upper West Side is higher elevation and we never lost power.  It was nice to be back at work on Thursday.  We had a few displaces Downtowners stay with us and visit to charge cell phones.

A High School friend suffered a significant loss this week.  Her not-even-two year old lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed at 10 months and has been fighting for over a year now.  She has been one amazing, strong woman through all of this.  And my heart goes out to her and her family.

Between these two experiences, I have been having survivors guilt.  How and Why am I so lucky?  Im not sure why I deserve it, but definitely feel like I need to do more to help those around me.  I need to do more to grow my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  I need to do more to be Their hands here on earth.  I need to do more to serve.

10-11-12

This day just needs to be documented for no other reason than the date is fabulous.  And its my bros bday.  And I just feel over-whelmed with goodness and need to share.  ....

But let me preface this with the fact that I have wanted to share more of a "real" view of me.  There is something about reading blogs after blogs, facebook post after facebook posts that talk about nothing but good and happy, and we all know that life is made up of more than just that.  And so those post just tend to feel fake, played up, untruthful.   Life is more than all of that.  Its also mundane, boring, sad, lonely, heartbreaking, elation, mellow, thrilling, confusing, enlightening, ...  Really, I could keep going.

And in an effort to be more real, I will say that the last 3 months have been hard. hard. Hard. HARD.  Ive moved before. Ive started new jobs before. I have looked for apartments before. Ive lived in cities, and even this particular city, before. Ive done it all by myself before.  But this time, it just seemed like everything was a bigger deal than it needed to be.  I attribute alot of it to the fact that this was not a "new adventure" which means alot of the excitement was there.  And all the reasons I was excited to leave NYC were then staring me in the face.

Without sharing too much in a more or less public setting, Im just going to say that I was in a bad place for awhile.  I really tried to hide it.  I tried to put on a smile and just pretend that it was all roses and blue skies.  But then I realized I just need to be open with it.  I needed to share my real thoughts that life was hard.  I realize that each and everyones hard is different.  We all handle situations differently.  But for me, during that time, it was hard.  There were days when it took everything I had to look past to hard I was feeling.  To have a larger perspective than the moment.  ....

The last week has been fabulous.  Seriously, nothing completely amazing happened, and really some not so great things happened.  But I just feel like the fog of a hard life is being lifted.  So much so, that yesterday I was walking home with an old friend. After catching up, he was like 'wow, life seems wonderful, because you just seem so happy.'  Reflecting back on the current, I laughed and thought that things werent amazing, but I wasnt feeling the dread that 'life is hard' was putting on my soul.

Today, I got an email from a dear friend in Charlotte.  I got the chance to spend time visiting with her over a few months, and really learning to love her and her experiences and spirit and energy.  "You are such a choice and powerful force for good.  I hope those you associate with there will appreciate and love you always."  Its always lovely to get comments like that out of the blue.

Im starting to realize that my snarky personality is not something everyone can handle.  But I have to admit, that it is apart of me.  I can be snarky.  I can be a tease.  I can be a jokester.  And I need someone that enjoys that and understands that side of me.  

My love language is Quality Time.  Whats yours?!  It really means so much to me when others make a point to seek me out, and spend time with me.  In this world of crazy schedules and long distances, I dont get much by way of true person to person quality time, but I do also appreciate phone dates and even a text to check in.  I appreciate all those in my life that do any one of those.  Im truly blessed and grateful for you!  ...  But then this is also the avenue in which I can feel like the 'stupid girl.'  Its hard for me to end bad relationships when the guy is still initiating quality time, and I dont have something else to fill that time.  Ahh, friends, Any advice out there?!  How do I decide that, as a friend once said to me, "I would rather watch paint dry" is better than attending to a love language that doesnt get attention as much as it needs?!  Ahhh.  The joys of being human.    ....  Im sharing the picture of my niece and I at my brothers Masquerade birthday party because it was while everyone was enjoying cake and ice cream did she express her gratitude for me being there that night.  And that made all the energy, effort, and cost to be there absolutely worth it.  Last time I was visiting, I had a horrible headache and was trying to nap.  Anytime I opened my eyes for a moment, she would be there asking when we would be able to play.  Ahh.  Of course little one.  ...  I love that that little girl already knows how to speak to my love language.

And I just had to share this one, because the little is 1) looking a the camera, and 2) smiling!  And really, its fun to wear other masks!  Considering I was around for all the 3 kids up to this age, Its been hard for me that its taken a bit of time for him to warm up to me.  But I feel like tonight was a break through.  He would actually come and find me and want to play.  Granted, a large part of that might be due to my iPhone apps, but Ill take it.  Gotta win him over with something!

The New Norm

Upper West Side is my new neighborhood. 

Central Park is my backyard

Manhattan Temple is one of the lovely buildings I pass on my morning commute. 

I have a view of the USS Intrepid from my office, which is the large square building right in the middle. 

Time Square is the annoyance to get through on my evening commute, if I need to take the subway vs bus. 

And this how I escape the city. . . 

To see these faces for a little birthday celebration. 

PS.  Really annoyed that it wont all align as I would like. ... Sorry.  Dont have the patience for Blogger tonight.  

Homelessness

Ive been homeless for a week now.  Pretty over it.

Been living out of a suitcase for the most part of a month. Over it.

Ready for life in NYC to really begin.  If all things work out as Im hoping at the moment, I will have a place in Harlem.  Yes, yes, Its Harlem.  But until you have been there, you cant knock it.  


For those of you yet apprised of my current state of affairs, first of all, I do apologize for not more formally telling you. But here is the quick run down.  I got an amazing job opportunity in NYC to do what I have been doing for lots more money and more career growth.  So when I left for London, I also had finished my job at TWC.  When I returned from London, I packed up all my belongs.  Loaded them into a 8x7x7 POD, said good bye to many dear friends and a city that had grown on me, and drove to NYC/CT.  I looked at apartments on Friday and then again on Monday.  And after looking at over 30 places, some of which should be condemned vs charging $1800 in rent, dealt with brokers that want to charge you an arm and a leg for about an hour worth of 'work',  I found a place in Harlem.  So Im in the process of applying, moving in, and starting a job, etc.

With all that being said.  Im ready for life to calm down, just a bit! :)  And would love visitors, anytime!

Team Processing with Team USA

There might be one or two of you wondering what I did for Team USA.  Here is a little video that explains it a little.

I was directly working with the Ralph Lauren team who was in charge of the Opening and Closing Ceremonies.  There isnt much in the video regarding that aspect of it, as they didnt get permission in time to add it to the film.  Gotta love the politics of it all.  But in the short, I helped them try on those two outfits/uniforms, along with a fitter and a stylist, who then we sent the clothes to the tailor so that Team USA was/is looking fabulous.

What is Red, Black, Green, Yellow, and Blue and as has no corners?

In just 3 weeks,  Ill be riding in a plane to this lovely little place.  To volunteer with Team USA helping to get the US Athletes all ready for the Games.  Im stoked! I will be volunteering for 7 days, which will leave me a few to tour before returning home.  I will be spending some time in Oxford with my lovely travel buddy Julie who is living there.  But Im also just excited to wander the city, see some sights, feel the excitement, and just enjoy after/before my volunteer shifts.  Oh, and I hear the swing dance scene is fabulous there!  

Greener Grass

I was in the LA for work for the past 5 days.  It wasnt the greatest work trip.  I realized before I left that the purpose of going out there wasnt exactly there any longer, and that it was just going to be "working out of the LA office."  But then I get there and had access issues with the firewall there, and I couldnt get to all the programs I use daily.  So it was a waste of time, more or less.  On a personal note, I did get to enjoy dinner with a few friends, saw a few other friends, had dinner with a cousin, and enjoyed a change of scenery. So not a total bust!

When I was driving home from the airport, I stopped at the grocery store to buy some basics knowing that I had nothing at home.  My grocery store of choice is the Wal-Mart in the Ghetto.  And last night tested my patience.  At 11pm, there was 1 cash register open, in the WHOLE store.  SERIOUSLY Wal-Mart?!  I realize that Im not going to a store known for customer service, but really?! ONE register!  After walking back to check out with my three items from the tech department, and getting told that he couldnt help as they just took his cash drawer from him, I dropping my things and left the store not having bought anything, and wasted 20 minutes of my night.

All I could think while driving home was how nice it would be to have a husband, or even boyfriend, or even a good friend, that would have already picked up those items for me so that I would have breakfast in the morning.  And how nice it would have been to have someone that really care that I had a mildly crappy trip.  And how it would have been nice to have someone to cuddle up with and watch something on the DVR before going to bed. ...  And then, when I got home to an apartment with a broken A/C, I could only think it would have been so nice to have had someone to have dealt with it when it broke instead of having to go to bed in a blistering hot apartment.  ...   The grass is always greener I realize.  But today, Im just saying it would be nice to have someone!

Charlotte Style

I'm not going to lie.  Life in Charlotte is rather boring.  Its not a single's town.  It has a couple of colleges, but they are more of commuter schools rather than a destination schools.  There are big companies, but in very specific industries.  And its just a small town in general.   So its been a little bit hard to find and make friends.    Don't get me wrong, I do have some local friends, and I'm so glad to have them.  

If I had a family, than I would love Charlotte so much more.  And one reason that I would love to have a family here is because the houses you find in the older, but nice, neighborhoods are beautiful.  I love the porches and the columns.  They are cute and quaint.  Here are a few from a long my walk that I love.  

Sable

I finally got to meet this little lady! Sable Naomi Midgley.  Mark and Jessie are darling parents and fabulous host!  Just hope that next time I visit with them, I dont bring food poisoning with me.  

PS This country is just to gosh darn big, and people I love are in just too many gosh darn ends of it.  

Compliments

Compliments are a funny thing.  They can be given honestly.  They can be given freely.  They can be given in return for something.  They can be given with thought.  They can be given without thought. They can be given for common things.  They can be given for not so common things.

A few of my personal favorite compliments I have received thus far in life are:

"You fit nicely in your chair!" - Given by a date after the first act of a Circus de Soleil show where he was sitting next to a very large person who was infringing on his seat/space.
or
"Wow, you know how to load a dishwasher!" - Given by a boyfriends roommate who was usually perplexed by how other people load a dishwasher, and found some else who he felt knew how to use the space for maximizing the space.
or
"You are a great travel buddy!" - Given a few times by travel buddies, most recently by a friend recounting a painful trip with someone else, and who wished that I was able to travel (Dang school tuition!)

But the one that I just dont understand is the...
"You are a pretty girl, what's your problem?"  (Or something similar)

Seriously?!

I know that those who usually say this are really trying to give a compliment despite ending with a harsh question.  But seriously people?!  It makes me want to flush their head in a toilet bowl.  Ok, ok Sorry.  That might be a little juvenile!

There is no rhyme or reason for why one person stumbles into their forever someone earlier in life rather than later, and just because others havent yet, doesnt mean there is a problem.  I understand that the natural progression in life is to get married, but be nice to those that have yet to have found someone they are willing to join forces and make their way through this world with.


Ok.  Sorry for not warning you ahead of time.  Im off my soapbox now!  ... We will now return to your regularly scheduled blog post!

10s

I recently heard the following.  Now, I realize that this was a story in about 5th person, and that the end comment was only shared and not the full conversation, but it still just riles me.

A teenage girl, probably 14 y/o, commented about her teenage crush on Josh Hutcherson.  Her father told her '10s only go for 10s, so you should stop liking him.' Or something of the sort.

Again, this was only relayed to me.  Therefore, I dont know the complete context in which this comment was made.

I am so thankful that I never heard that comment directed to me by my father.  Im so glad that I never had to ever think that there wasnt atleast one (male) person in the world that thought that I wasnt the greatest girl/women ever.  Im so glad that I had a father that expressed, maybe not often but enough that I knew, how beautiful and fabulous I was and that I was deserving of whatever it was that I was shooting for, even if my teenage self rarely believed him.

Those teenage years are horrendous.  They are filled with abundant moments of shear self doubt, and endless lack of self-confidence. (Or maybe that was just me!)  And if you dont think that you have your parents, and hopefully siblings, friends, and whoever else you are able to find strength in (namely a God in whatever form you believe in), behind you, than its hard to find the needed self-confidence to make it in this (at times) cruel, horrible world.

In a world that is tearing down the image of women, and making it harder to find goodness in oneself, look around to those you interact with and find ways to show kindness and love towards them.  Help them feel that they are 10s in the crazy world that wants everyone to think they are merely a 2 in need of x, z, and y to ever get to be a close to a 10.

Community

Last month I got the chance to meet up with an old friend.  This particular friend has been apart of my life for more years then seems possible to my 24 y/o psyche!  (Crap.  Im not 24 y/o anymore, nor have I been for more years than I want to admit!)

When I was visiting with this friend, there were a few other people around, and it was abit chaotic. Lots of new people to meet.  A few 'old' friends that I wanted to catch up with.  Food to be ordered and enjoyed.  Etc.  We finally did get more of a chance to talk, and he asked me the general questions regarding job, Charlotte, family, life, etc.  But then he asked me something that has made me really think lately.  He asked if I had a community. Since I had never really been asked that before, I gave him an answer in the affirmative and moved on to something else.  But it has really made me reflect.

What is ones community?

I have come to see it has the general people that one *chooses* to interact with on a weekly, maybe monthly, basis.  It can be made up of immediately family, extended family, friends, church members, associates from work or hobbies, neighbors, etc.  Its the people we make a priority.  Its the people that one can count on for different needs or wants.  Its the people that continually help us along our personal path.  Its the people we feel a connection with.  Its the people that we have shared mutual interests with.

There was a time in my adult life when I truly had this.  My community was large and interlaced with people in many different areas of life.  It made for lovely gatherings, parties, friendships, family time, memories, and more.  I had opportunities to share in their joys, heartaches, excitements, contentments, and enjoyments.   I had opportunities to serve them.  I had the opportunity to learn from them and grow in ways that I would have never thought I would.  I had the opportunity to find strength in their goodness and love.  I had a community that I never realized I needed or that would be hard to find locally in the same magnitude.


I dont think that it was until that specific question was posed, that I realized what it was I have been missing and searching for for awhile now.


Im not thinking that that was a once in a life time opportunity, and that I need to just realize that reality of finding it again is unattainable.  I have faith that there will be a time in which I can find this feeling of community again.  When or where is the age old question in this life.  As much as I wish that I had a current community here now with me, I just am glad that I have had that previously, in my adult life. And Im so grateful for the friends that I do have locally.  I have so many dear friends all over, which makes choosing a plan to travel to, so very hard.  But its the calls or texts for dinner, lunch, or a visit that I really cherish these days as my heart is lonely for in-person interaction.

Date A Girl Who Travels

Taken from: http://www.solitarywanderer.com/2012/02/date-a-girl-who-travels/

Love this article/blog.  Resonates with me! :)

Survey

Lunch yesterday has sparked a question, that I would love to hear from YOU regarding.  ....

I was telling a friend about my most recent "date."   Brief synopsis: Dude asked me out for and said he 'wanted to take me to dinner.' He ends up showing up to my house with PINK hair.  He has no plan and says 'Well, you know the city, where do you want to do.'  I end up paying for myself.  What happened to the 'I want to take you to dinner?!'  And then I ended up paying for the shared dessert we got at the comedy show that I got free tickets too. ...  Dude has no game!

So this leads to my question.

For those that are married:  Did your husband show up on date 1, 2, or 3 with no plan?  If he did, what were your thoughts on this lack of plan?

For those that are single:  Has a dude shown up with no plan?  If so, than did he make it past that date?

I think that this idea of having a plan is what sets a date apart from just hanging out. And Im too old to just hang out anymore!  

My friend from lunch mentioned that when he was young and starting out in dating, someone advised him that he should read a book on Sales, and I have to say that this is kind of genius.  Lets face it, what is a date?  An opportunity to sell ones-self, and to try and be 'sold' on someone else.  

New York City

There are days that I have to remind myself that it wasnt just a dream, but I really did live in New York City.   That my shoebox closet in my basement apartment with no windows was a reality.  It all kinda went almost as fast as it came, and much before I realized and truly took advantage of all that it has to offer.  Granted, I still love my time there, and so grateful that I was even able to be there.  Ahh. New York City.  You will always be in my heart.

Because of this love, my appreciation for New York set books, movies, music, etc has grown ten fold. It has happened on numerous accounts that someone will not be giving a particular movie the same glowing report than I would.  When I think about it, its because I loved the setting of the movie and might have over looked certain aspects of it.  Ill read a book that normally I might have put down at chapter two, just because I cant wait for what other NYC reference they might give.

Im not forgetting that my year plus in New York wasnt easy, and flawless.  There were some aspects that made it really, really hard. There might have been nights I feel asleep with a tear stained pillow.  But the old adage that 'what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger' really holds true for my time in New York. I am a better person for my time there.  (And being honest, I can truly say that about all the cities I have called home.)  And maybe that is why it has an extra special place in my heart.  It was there that I could sit and hear lovely and needed words from a dear old friend that could keep me going. And our next visit always came when I was needing him and his kindness the the most.  It was there that I gained some (more) amazing friends.  It was there that I learned to see the world through, yet again, new lenses.  It was there that I loved and lost, and lost hard.  It was there that I had adventures.  It was there that I played. It was there that I enjoyed.  It was there that I laughed. ...   I truly heart NY!


...  This post was sparked as I finished a (mildly trash) book called "Outtakes of a Marriage" (or something like that) by Ann Leary  (or something like that!) on the same day that I went to see Extremely Loud & Incredible Close.  Both set in NYC.  Seriously.  Anything set in NYC just warms my heart.  But LOVED Extremely Loud & Incredible Close.  The book was fabulous and I think that the movie did a great job of sharing that.   ....


Im one lucky lady. In my 30 years, I have had some amazing experiences.  

Dance

I might have mentioned on here before about my love for swing dancing.  But in case I havent, Ill give alittle background.

Growing up, I took a jazz class for a year when I was about 7 years old, and a Ballet class when I was like 13 years old, and hated them both. I could follow the teacher but I just hated the setting and really didnt want to do a recital. Ugh.  Thinking about it now makes me nauseated. In 6th grade PE class we had 6 weeks of learning Country Line dancing, which I secretly loved.   Then youth dances came around.when I was 14 years old, and I the thought of shaking my booty with all these "really cool" people was just beyond me.  I didnt mind slow dancing, but anything I had to do on my own was just not going to happen.  This continued into my college years, except that there were a few friends that I could shake my butt with at a dance and not feel too stupid.  But oh so, very few!  I just couldnt "hear a beat" and figure how to "move to the beat."  That was a foreign concept to me, and just feel like a fool trying to mimic those around me.

When I moved to Boston, I started to want to figure out this dancing thing.  People seem to really enjoy themselves, and I wanted to be apart of that.  But by the time I finally found a class to take, I was traveling bi-monthly and didnt have the time to devote to it. And really, I still wasnt so sure about my ability to not make a fool of myself.

Stephanie, My first teacher,
taken after  sweaty NYC dance!

Fast forward a couple years and a move to NYC.  I finally decided it was time.  To swallow my pride and take a class.  I chose Swing dancing simply because it looked fun, there were a few people I know who did it, and one particular guy that I was interested in who was a swing dancer. (Dont things generally come back to someone of the opposite sex when we are single!?!) As I was new to the city, it was nice to have somewhere to go once a week.  That first class was a bit terrifying. Lucky, I found a small class with a fabulous teacher who gave me the confidence to keep going back. A few months in, and it was growing on me.  I was slowly catching on, or atleast I was enjoying the ride!

Finally after about 4 months of classes I finally got up the nerve to go out social dancing.  Oh man, just the thought of going was terrifying!!  Anyone could ask you to dance, and they didnt know your skill level, or what specific steps you have been taught, and you *cant* walk away in the middle of a song! AHHH.  I stayed for about 4 songs.  Danced for 3 (2 with leads I knew from class, and one random lead) and then high tailed it out of there! I remember calling a few dancing friends on my way home who reminded me that that was how I would get better, and to stick with it. I appreciate there confidence and kinda words, as a few weeks later, I did go back, and stayed for about 4 dances!
....

And now, next month will be my 2nd anniversary of having dance in my life!  I love it.  It makes me happy. Seriously, nothing but smiles on my face.  Im not fabulous, but I dont care.  Im just happy to go and make a fool of myself!  And simply through learning swing dancing, I have lost all care of what people think of me.  Ok, maybe not all!  I still get uber nervous when someone with mad skills asks me to dance.  And I like to tell him that I just started.  Makes me feel so much better when he says that Im fabulous for a beginner! :)   I usually cant keep to my lie, and say that I have been dancing for a few months now! :)  24 is a few, right?!  In general,  I am now that much more comfortable to dance in any venue.  Whether its shaking my booty at a church dance, impromptu dance parties with friends, or learning other dances.

Enjoying a dance with my friend Tom

Here in Charlotte, the different dance scenes are pretty inter-mixed.  You will see alot of the same people at Swing dancing that you might see at Salsa, or Tango, or Blues, or Contra.  Yes, I spelled that correctly.  Contra dancing is similar to what you might see watching a "Jane Austin" movie where you have a partner, the moves are called out by a caller,  you dance in rows, and you move in circles of four, etc.  But with Contra it is generally done to old school bluegrass music.  I had been hearing about this ever since I moved to Charlotte, but wasnt so sure about it.  Last night I finally went and had a absolute blast!   Cant wait to go back.
...

Im so glad I got over my pride and starting dancing.  I feel like a whole new world was opened up.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary!

Today is the 1 year Anniversary of being in Charlotte.  Ok, technically I got here one the first, but I slept at a hotel that night, so Im not counting it.

What the last year has brought me:
- Friends.
- Adventures.
- Cities to explore.
- A new understanding of me.  And really, that is what this is all about right?!

As I reflect on all that has happened, Im just that much more grateful for the friends I have gained along this journey of mine.  I have meet so many wonderful people.  People that have taught me alot about life, love, kindness, strengthen, honesty, generosity, and really the list could go on.  Im excited to see what else Charlotte, and 2012!, has in store for me.   ...  I really want it to be the Year of Lisa!