This day just needs to be documented for no other reason than the date is fabulous. And its my bros bday. And I just feel over-whelmed with goodness and need to share. ....
But let me preface this with the fact that I have wanted to share more of a "real" view of me. There is something about reading blogs after blogs, facebook post after facebook posts that talk about nothing but good and happy, and we all know that life is made up of more than just that. And so those post just tend to feel fake, played up, untruthful. Life is more than all of that. Its also mundane, boring, sad, lonely, heartbreaking, elation, mellow, thrilling, confusing, enlightening, ... Really, I could keep going.
And in an effort to be more real, I will say that the last 3 months have been hard. hard. Hard. HARD. Ive moved before. Ive started new jobs before. I have looked for apartments before. Ive lived in cities, and even this particular city, before. Ive done it all by myself before. But this time, it just seemed like everything was a bigger deal than it needed to be. I attribute alot of it to the fact that this was not a "new adventure" which means alot of the excitement was there. And all the reasons I was excited to leave NYC were then staring me in the face.
Without sharing too much in a more or less public setting, Im just going to say that I was in a bad place for awhile. I really tried to hide it. I tried to put on a smile and just pretend that it was all roses and blue skies. But then I realized I just need to be open with it. I needed to share my real thoughts that life was hard. I realize that each and everyones hard is different. We all handle situations differently. But for me, during that time, it was hard. There were days when it took everything I had to look past to hard I was feeling. To have a larger perspective than the moment. ....
The last week has been fabulous. Seriously, nothing completely amazing happened, and really some not so great things happened. But I just feel like the fog of a hard life is being lifted. So much so, that yesterday I was walking home with an old friend. After catching up, he was like 'wow, life seems wonderful, because you just seem so happy.' Reflecting back on the current, I laughed and thought that things werent amazing, but I wasnt feeling the dread that 'life is hard' was putting on my soul.
Today, I got an email from a dear friend in Charlotte. I got the chance to spend time visiting with her over a few months, and really learning to love her and her experiences and spirit and energy. "You are such a choice and powerful force for good. I hope those you associate with there will appreciate and love you always." Its always lovely to get comments like that out of the blue.
Im starting to realize that my snarky personality is not something everyone can handle. But I have to admit, that it is apart of me. I can be snarky. I can be a tease. I can be a jokester. And I need someone that enjoys that and understands that side of me.
My love language is Quality Time. Whats yours?! It really means so much to me when others make a point to seek me out, and spend time with me. In this world of crazy schedules and long distances, I dont get much by way of true person to person quality time, but I do also appreciate phone dates and even a text to check in. I appreciate all those in my life that do any one of those. Im truly blessed and grateful for you! ... But then this is also the avenue in which I can feel like the 'stupid girl.' Its hard for me to end bad relationships when the guy is still initiating quality time, and I dont have something else to fill that time. Ahh, friends, Any advice out there?! How do I decide that, as a friend once said to me, "I would rather watch paint dry" is better than attending to a love language that doesnt get attention as much as it needs?! Ahhh. The joys of being human. .... Im sharing the picture of my niece and I at my brothers Masquerade birthday party because it was while everyone was enjoying cake and ice cream did she express her gratitude for me being there that night. And that made all the energy, effort, and cost to be there absolutely worth it. Last time I was visiting, I had a horrible headache and was trying to nap. Anytime I opened my eyes for a moment, she would be there asking when we would be able to play. Ahh. Of course little one. ... I love that that little girl already knows how to speak to my love language.
And I just had to share this one, because the little is 1) looking a the camera, and 2) smiling! And really, its fun to wear other masks! Considering I was around for all the 3 kids up to this age, Its been hard for me that its taken a bit of time for him to warm up to me. But I feel like tonight was a break through. He would actually come and find me and want to play. Granted, a large part of that might be due to my iPhone apps, but Ill take it. Gotta win him over with something!
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