Its amazing how when something rattles your world, like loss of a loved one and grief, that other facets are knocked around too. Facets that I thought were dealt with, looked at, adjusted for, understood, and accepted. In the last few months, I have actually come to terms with my brothers passing. It doesnt make the sadness easier. It doesnt make the hole that his absence makes filled. It doesnt make the tears stop streaming. I dont think that I will ever fully understand all the reasons around it, but I do have faith and hope that there was purpose in it. That there is someone, namely a Father in Heaven, who sees and understands and has a mindful eye on the overall specifics of our lives, of Bens life. For whatever reason that Ben left when he did, there is reason, beyond what my mind can fully understand and that brings me peace.
It was one day when I was chatting with a friend, vocalizing this understanding that I had gained, when I realized that I was still feeling grief. It wasnt for Ben, but a few days later I realized that it was for something else. Something much more inward and personal. At the age of 31, it is time to grieve and mourn for a life that never was and never will be. To lay to rest the subconscious dreams of my 16 year old self. And to find a way to celebrate the life that I have had, and find a way to truly live the life I am, and have yet to live.
The dreams at large will and can still be there. The hope for the finding of a life partner. The hope to share all that I have with another and with children. But that is not the only thing that this new dream can be made up of. This new dream needs to have aspects that are me. Aspects that focus on growing and progressing me. Of accomplishing the true goal of this life in a fashion that I want to be remembered for.
Plain and simple, my 16 year old self saw the future me as a 'soccer mom.' And not just any old soccer mom, but as a young, perfect mom. One that had fresh cookies waiting when kids got home, with children that would share delightful stories exemplifying their smarts and wits, but of course, this was after they had gone to school having had a gorgeous and tasty breakfast with the best packed lunches. Now mind you, the dinner would be on the table the moment my amazingly, perfect husband came home from work to our stunningly beautiful home I decorated. And dont forget all the perfect relationships I had with each and everyone of the many children. Mind you, I was never set on a number, nor the wedding itself. I didnt care about the single days, just the overall perfectness that would be my life.
What my 16 year old self (and my 18, and my 20, and 25 year old selves) never really internalized was that 1) life just simply isnt perfect, 2) I am so not perfect and far from ever becoming, 3) all those Young Womens lessons about 'doing all that you can and everything you pray for will come true' were all just the 1% exception to real life, and 4) there really is so much more to life than what I had dreamed of or could even imagine.
Ok, I dont necessarily think of myself as being that naive for the last 16 years. Maybe just for the first few of them! Ha, I seriously thought that I would turn around and Mr Right would magically appear, that I would immediately know who he was, how to have a healthy, 'perfect' courtship and marriage, and kids would just follow. When I was 12 years old, I was politely informed that in fact I did have to go to college as 'all my children will go to college,' but I just figured that that was plausible for the magic to happen and my husband to appear.
In the 14 years since I walked across that stage to receive my high school diploma, I have not seen a single aspect of that 16 year old dream become reality. Im not married. I dont have children. Nor do I cook dinner or pack lunches! But there are so many other things that have happened that Im so blessed by/for. I graduated from college with a Bachelors. I moved to a brand new city alone, and succeeded. I started more than a job, but a career. I met amazing people that not only are acquaintances, but dear friends, even close enough to be sisters. I have witnessed relationships that I hope to never have, and found others that I want to emulate. I have made it to 27 countries and understood the grandeur of my Heavenly Father through the faces Ive seen across the world. I have hobbies that could only have come with the realization that I am so much more than the small box I put myself in. I have become an Aunt that snuggles with little ones, sits and talks with the older ones, celebrates the moments, and pray for the ones Im not with. I have been converted to Christ, and have truly gained the desire to emulate Him in my life. I have realized the flaws of my subconscious dream. I have realized that I am so much more than only dreaming to be a wive and a mother. I have realized that I dream to be a disciple of Christ in all that I do and what ever role/title I find myself in, and to strive to grow and be the person that my Heavenly Father knows that I can be, in all my imperfect ways. These last 14 years are a blessing. These last 14 years have taught me more than I give them credit for. These last 14 years created many memories. These last 14 years are fabulous stepping stone for the many more years to come.
I do not share these very personal thoughts for anything more than to simply remind myself daily that I can not continue to hid in the dreams of such long ago yesteryears. But that its time to create new dreams. And to work towards new hopes.
Grief does not end when the words 'dry' on the page. Grief does not end because my thoughts are posted. Grief does not end because a new day has dawned. It will take some time to fully mourn the loss of what never was but hoped for for so long. And in the words of a classic country song
And try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Where to begin?
Its been 6 months since my last post, and Im not really sure where I should start. Do I start with the biggest life altering event thus far in my life? Do I start with what came chronological? Do I even post at all, because right now that just seems so daunting it? Well, Lets just start, and see what sort of stream of conscientiousness comes out.
I didnt see is as such, initially, but my sis-in-law made a comment in Feb about how 2013 was a crappy year. I was sad for the next 10 months as they didnt have a lot of hope for being better. Well. Now I agree, and it only took me 2 more months.
In April, one day, and really in a mere handful of seconds, changed my life forever. My baby brother was off on a motorcycle ride. My parents had asked him to join them for dinner on that Sunday evening, but the weather was nice and he got his bike working, so he wanted to go for a ride. Sadly, he will never return home from that ride.
My parents received a call from the hospital, that he had been in a serious accident. While they drove to the hospital, the phones started go off around the country as we were informed of the situation. The phones continued to buzz with calls and text messages as soon as they received any news. But within a few hours of first hearing of the accident, we knew that without a serious act of God, Ben would no longer be with us. It took hours of testing to really give the doctors all the proof they required. With my parents choosing to have him become an organ donor, even more test than usual were required. Although it was determined that the accident caused him to become brain dead at the moment of impact, his day of death is not recorded until Wed, due to testing and lining up organ donors.
During the week, family starting arriving in Dallas. Members of my parents congregation/ward cleaned the house, and provided food for the masses that were coming. Many people stopped by their home to offer condolences. Friends of Ben came to feel of any last presence that his things might offer to them.
After deciding to drive with my older brother and his family, we arrived late Wed night. Once we arrived, we were put on Memorial Service planning duties. Collecting pictures, creating a program, printing, etc. There were moments that I had to runaway. I didnt want to be there. I didnt want that to be my new reality. I didnt want to deal with what was to come after it. I kept waiting for Ben to walk in the back door and ask what everyone was doing there. To wonder why siblings and cousins had invaded his house and his world. Why all his precious metals were collected and taken to another home. (He had a gun collected that he referred to has his precious metals!) Some how, I was the lucky one that had to sleep in his room. It was hard to fall asleep in here. It had been cleaned up, and looked much less like the room I had seen months earlier. But I still was waiting for him to rip me from my slumber and ask what the hoopla was about.
The Memorial Service was perfect. James did the Eulogy. Ken did a religious talk. My dad gave his thoughts. Oh my poor Dad, loosing a second son now, along with a wife. The chapel was full. The overflow was full. The gym had standing room only. It was so heart warming to know that Ben touched many, many people in his short 24 years on this earth.
There is more to share. But I just want to leave it at that for now, and this to remind ourselves that we never know when it is our time to return to our Father in Heaven. Be the best that you know how to be. Be the person you know to be.
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I was able to spend sometime with Hurricane Sandy clean up. So many people were devastated by the effects of Sandy, and Im so grateful I was able to help make a few people/families loads lighter. I spent most of my time cleaning basements, and tearing out flooring and walls. Nothing glamorous, but necessities for the home owners. I was able to help a divorced lady who lost her brother in 9/11. I was able to help families that have spent generations on the area, having never before seen such rage by Mother Nature. I was great to work along side ward members, and friends alike. To even make new friends.
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Swing dancing is still a passion of mine. I was able to make it to Lindy Focus in Asheville, NC between Christmas and New Years, and even went to Orlando for dancing in March. I keep thinking that one day, Ill actually get good, but for now, I just like doing it.
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I love being back close enough to keep up with these growing busy bodies! Love them, and little Luke, not pictured. I was able to have a slumber party in the city with them. Good times!
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This is the first time that I have lived somewhere for the second time. I dont want to talk much about it, but I will say, things are not always best the second time around. Especially in a place were daily living and life chores are just simply harder to accomplish. I grateful for my job and the opportunities that it gives me, but pray that the next opportunities might be some where else. :/
______
In Feb, I went to Austin to celebrate this little cutie turning 1! She is so darling. Loved being with her and her parents. She has a smile that can just melt your heart, and loving personality. They have taught her sign language, and its so cute to see how much she asks for her Dad. She loves to be with him. .. . And so glad that they are moving to the east coast! More visits in the future.
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And lastly, I wont be surprised if I dont have any readers by this point. But if I do, Im glad there is someone! :)
I didnt see is as such, initially, but my sis-in-law made a comment in Feb about how 2013 was a crappy year. I was sad for the next 10 months as they didnt have a lot of hope for being better. Well. Now I agree, and it only took me 2 more months.
In April, one day, and really in a mere handful of seconds, changed my life forever. My baby brother was off on a motorcycle ride. My parents had asked him to join them for dinner on that Sunday evening, but the weather was nice and he got his bike working, so he wanted to go for a ride. Sadly, he will never return home from that ride.
My parents received a call from the hospital, that he had been in a serious accident. While they drove to the hospital, the phones started go off around the country as we were informed of the situation. The phones continued to buzz with calls and text messages as soon as they received any news. But within a few hours of first hearing of the accident, we knew that without a serious act of God, Ben would no longer be with us. It took hours of testing to really give the doctors all the proof they required. With my parents choosing to have him become an organ donor, even more test than usual were required. Although it was determined that the accident caused him to become brain dead at the moment of impact, his day of death is not recorded until Wed, due to testing and lining up organ donors.During the week, family starting arriving in Dallas. Members of my parents congregation/ward cleaned the house, and provided food for the masses that were coming. Many people stopped by their home to offer condolences. Friends of Ben came to feel of any last presence that his things might offer to them.
After deciding to drive with my older brother and his family, we arrived late Wed night. Once we arrived, we were put on Memorial Service planning duties. Collecting pictures, creating a program, printing, etc. There were moments that I had to runaway. I didnt want to be there. I didnt want that to be my new reality. I didnt want to deal with what was to come after it. I kept waiting for Ben to walk in the back door and ask what everyone was doing there. To wonder why siblings and cousins had invaded his house and his world. Why all his precious metals were collected and taken to another home. (He had a gun collected that he referred to has his precious metals!) Some how, I was the lucky one that had to sleep in his room. It was hard to fall asleep in here. It had been cleaned up, and looked much less like the room I had seen months earlier. But I still was waiting for him to rip me from my slumber and ask what the hoopla was about.
The Memorial Service was perfect. James did the Eulogy. Ken did a religious talk. My dad gave his thoughts. Oh my poor Dad, loosing a second son now, along with a wife. The chapel was full. The overflow was full. The gym had standing room only. It was so heart warming to know that Ben touched many, many people in his short 24 years on this earth.
There is more to share. But I just want to leave it at that for now, and this to remind ourselves that we never know when it is our time to return to our Father in Heaven. Be the best that you know how to be. Be the person you know to be.
-------
-------
Swing dancing is still a passion of mine. I was able to make it to Lindy Focus in Asheville, NC between Christmas and New Years, and even went to Orlando for dancing in March. I keep thinking that one day, Ill actually get good, but for now, I just like doing it.
------
I love being back close enough to keep up with these growing busy bodies! Love them, and little Luke, not pictured. I was able to have a slumber party in the city with them. Good times!
------
This is the first time that I have lived somewhere for the second time. I dont want to talk much about it, but I will say, things are not always best the second time around. Especially in a place were daily living and life chores are just simply harder to accomplish. I grateful for my job and the opportunities that it gives me, but pray that the next opportunities might be some where else. :/
______In Feb, I went to Austin to celebrate this little cutie turning 1! She is so darling. Loved being with her and her parents. She has a smile that can just melt your heart, and loving personality. They have taught her sign language, and its so cute to see how much she asks for her Dad. She loves to be with him. .. . And so glad that they are moving to the east coast! More visits in the future.
------
And lastly, I wont be surprised if I dont have any readers by this point. But if I do, Im glad there is someone! :)
Friday, November 2, 2012
'I set fires to feel joy'
Please say you have seen the movie. Pitch Perfect. A-mazing. So sad it took me to long to see it.
I just wanted to say that I feel uber loved this week from so many friends and family call, texting, emails, and checking in on me. I lucked out this week, and besides spending more time in side than I normally like, I wasnt horribly affected by the storm. The Upper West Side is higher elevation and we never lost power. It was nice to be back at work on Thursday. We had a few displaces Downtowners stay with us and visit to charge cell phones.
A High School friend suffered a significant loss this week. Her not-even-two year old lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed at 10 months and has been fighting for over a year now. She has been one amazing, strong woman through all of this. And my heart goes out to her and her family.
Between these two experiences, I have been having survivors guilt. How and Why am I so lucky? Im not sure why I deserve it, but definitely feel like I need to do more to help those around me. I need to do more to grow my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I need to do more to be Their hands here on earth. I need to do more to serve.
I just wanted to say that I feel uber loved this week from so many friends and family call, texting, emails, and checking in on me. I lucked out this week, and besides spending more time in side than I normally like, I wasnt horribly affected by the storm. The Upper West Side is higher elevation and we never lost power. It was nice to be back at work on Thursday. We had a few displaces Downtowners stay with us and visit to charge cell phones.
A High School friend suffered a significant loss this week. Her not-even-two year old lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed at 10 months and has been fighting for over a year now. She has been one amazing, strong woman through all of this. And my heart goes out to her and her family.
Between these two experiences, I have been having survivors guilt. How and Why am I so lucky? Im not sure why I deserve it, but definitely feel like I need to do more to help those around me. I need to do more to grow my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I need to do more to be Their hands here on earth. I need to do more to serve.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
10-11-12
This day just needs to be documented for no other reason than the date is fabulous. And its my bros bday. And I just feel over-whelmed with goodness and need to share. ....
But let me preface this with the fact that I have wanted to share more of a "real" view of me. There is something about reading blogs after blogs, facebook post after facebook posts that talk about nothing but good and happy, and we all know that life is made up of more than just that. And so those post just tend to feel fake, played up, untruthful. Life is more than all of that. Its also mundane, boring, sad, lonely, heartbreaking, elation, mellow, thrilling, confusing, enlightening, ... Really, I could keep going.
And in an effort to be more real, I will say that the last 3 months have been hard. hard. Hard. HARD. Ive moved before. Ive started new jobs before. I have looked for apartments before. Ive lived in cities, and even this particular city, before. Ive done it all by myself before. But this time, it just seemed like everything was a bigger deal than it needed to be. I attribute alot of it to the fact that this was not a "new adventure" which means alot of the excitement was there. And all the reasons I was excited to leave NYC were then staring me in the face.
Without sharing too much in a more or less public setting, Im just going to say that I was in a bad place for awhile. I really tried to hide it. I tried to put on a smile and just pretend that it was all roses and blue skies. But then I realized I just need to be open with it. I needed to share my real thoughts that life was hard. I realize that each and everyones hard is different. We all handle situations differently. But for me, during that time, it was hard. There were days when it took everything I had to look past to hard I was feeling. To have a larger perspective than the moment. ....
The last week has been fabulous. Seriously, nothing completely amazing happened, and really some not so great things happened. But I just feel like the fog of a hard life is being lifted. So much so, that yesterday I was walking home with an old friend. After catching up, he was like 'wow, life seems wonderful, because you just seem so happy.' Reflecting back on the current, I laughed and thought that things werent amazing, but I wasnt feeling the dread that 'life is hard' was putting on my soul.
Today, I got an email from a dear friend in Charlotte. I got the chance to spend time visiting with her over a few months, and really learning to love her and her experiences and spirit and energy. "You are such a choice and powerful force for good. I hope those you associate with there will appreciate and love you always." Its always lovely to get comments like that out of the blue.
Im starting to realize that my snarky personality is not something everyone can handle. But I have to admit, that it is apart of me. I can be snarky. I can be a tease. I can be a jokester. And I need someone that enjoys that and understands that side of me.
My love language is Quality Time. Whats yours?! It really means so much to me when others make a point to seek me out, and spend time with me. In this world of crazy schedules and long distances, I dont get much by way of true person to person quality time, but I do also appreciate phone dates and even a text to check in. I appreciate all those in my life that do any one of those. Im truly blessed and grateful for you! ... But then this is also the avenue in which I can feel like the 'stupid girl.' Its hard for me to end bad relationships when the guy is still initiating quality time, and I dont have something else to fill that time. Ahh, friends, Any advice out there?! How do I decide that, as a friend once said to me, "I would rather watch paint dry" is better than attending to a love language that doesnt get attention as much as it needs?! Ahhh. The joys of being human. .... Im sharing the picture of my niece and I at my brothers Masquerade birthday party because it was while everyone was enjoying cake and ice cream did she express her gratitude for me being there that night. And that made all the energy, effort, and cost to be there absolutely worth it. Last time I was visiting, I had a horrible headache and was trying to nap. Anytime I opened my eyes for a moment, she would be there asking when we would be able to play. Ahh. Of course little one. ... I love that that little girl already knows how to speak to my love language.
And I just had to share this one, because the little is 1) looking a the camera, and 2) smiling! And really, its fun to wear other masks! Considering I was around for all the 3 kids up to this age, Its been hard for me that its taken a bit of time for him to warm up to me. But I feel like tonight was a break through. He would actually come and find me and want to play. Granted, a large part of that might be due to my iPhone apps, but Ill take it. Gotta win him over with something!
Monday, September 24, 2012
The New Norm
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| Upper West Side is my new neighborhood. |
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| Central Park is my backyard |
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| Manhattan Temple is one of the lovely buildings I pass on my morning commute. |
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| I have a view of the USS Intrepid from my office, which is the large square building right in the middle. |
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| Time Square is the annoyance to get through on my evening commute, if I need to take the subway vs bus. |
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| And this how I escape the city. . . |
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| To see these faces for a little birthday celebration. |
PS. Really annoyed that it wont all align as I would like. ... Sorry. Dont have the patience for Blogger tonight.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Homelessness
Ive been homeless for a week now. Pretty over it.
Been living out of a suitcase for the most part of a month. Over it.
Ready for life in NYC to really begin. If all things work out as Im hoping at the moment, I will have a place in Harlem. Yes, yes, Its Harlem. But until you have been there, you cant knock it.
For those of you yet apprised of my current state of affairs, first of all, I do apologize for not more formally telling you. But here is the quick run down. I got an amazing job opportunity in NYC to do what I have been doing for lots more money and more career growth. So when I left for London, I also had finished my job at TWC. When I returned from London, I packed up all my belongs. Loaded them into a 8x7x7 POD, said good bye to many dear friends and a city that had grown on me, and drove to NYC/CT. I looked at apartments on Friday and then again on Monday. And after looking at over 30 places, some of which should be condemned vs charging $1800 in rent, dealt with brokers that want to charge you an arm and a leg for about an hour worth of 'work', I found a place in Harlem. So Im in the process of applying, moving in, and starting a job, etc.
With all that being said. Im ready for life to calm down, just a bit! :) And would love visitors, anytime!
Been living out of a suitcase for the most part of a month. Over it.
Ready for life in NYC to really begin. If all things work out as Im hoping at the moment, I will have a place in Harlem. Yes, yes, Its Harlem. But until you have been there, you cant knock it.
For those of you yet apprised of my current state of affairs, first of all, I do apologize for not more formally telling you. But here is the quick run down. I got an amazing job opportunity in NYC to do what I have been doing for lots more money and more career growth. So when I left for London, I also had finished my job at TWC. When I returned from London, I packed up all my belongs. Loaded them into a 8x7x7 POD, said good bye to many dear friends and a city that had grown on me, and drove to NYC/CT. I looked at apartments on Friday and then again on Monday. And after looking at over 30 places, some of which should be condemned vs charging $1800 in rent, dealt with brokers that want to charge you an arm and a leg for about an hour worth of 'work', I found a place in Harlem. So Im in the process of applying, moving in, and starting a job, etc.
With all that being said. Im ready for life to calm down, just a bit! :) And would love visitors, anytime!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Team Processing with Team USA
There might be one or two of you wondering what I did for Team USA. Here is a little video that explains it a little.
I was directly working with the Ralph Lauren team who was in charge of the Opening and Closing Ceremonies. There isnt much in the video regarding that aspect of it, as they didnt get permission in time to add it to the film. Gotta love the politics of it all. But in the short, I helped them try on those two outfits/uniforms, along with a fitter and a stylist, who then we sent the clothes to the tailor so that Team USA was/is looking fabulous.
I was directly working with the Ralph Lauren team who was in charge of the Opening and Closing Ceremonies. There isnt much in the video regarding that aspect of it, as they didnt get permission in time to add it to the film. Gotta love the politics of it all. But in the short, I helped them try on those two outfits/uniforms, along with a fitter and a stylist, who then we sent the clothes to the tailor so that Team USA was/is looking fabulous.
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